Sunday I found out that my brother did not shoot himself. My aunt, uncle, and grandmother were taking me back home to Niceville, and about an hour into the drive they revealed that they didn�t actually know how he had died. It didn�t seem appropriate to call anyone and ask, so I spent the rest of the trip trying not to come up with scenarios in my head. By the time we arrived at my mother�s house in the middle of the afternoon I had decided that it must have been pills, or drugs of some kind.

My mother and sisters hugged me for a long time. They looked as shocked and confused as I felt, and as determined to be strong. Stepdad was constantly on the verge of tears and couldn�t really talk to anyone. He felt so bad about all the times he lectured Andrew or yelled at him for being irresponsible.

My stepmom Bridget arrived shortly after I did, with 13-year-old Cole. It was good to see my little brother, but a little heartbreaking, too. He looks exactly like Andrew did at that age. For the rest of the week I was a little bit startled every time I saw him. Bridget sat with me on the couch and we talked quietly for a while. She�s been a good friend to me for a long time and I knew I could ask her what was going on. She was the one who had to break the news to my Dad, since she lived closest to him. As soon as she told him he demanded that she take him to the base hospital so that he could get some tranquilizers.

When my mom was across the room and couldn�t hear us, I asked Bridget what had happened to my brother. �Did he shoot himself?�

�No, God no! He hung himself.�

My mouth opened, but I couldn�t think of anything to say. She hugged me and rapidly began explaining that the police believed it was accidental, that he didn�t really mean to kill himself. He was found sitting on the floor with a cord or rope tied to one of the posts of his ex-girlfriend�s canopy bed, the other end around his neck. He was sitting on the floor like that, drinking and talking on the phone. The last person he called, at 1:30 in the morning, was Shelly, his ex-girlfriend. She had decided to spend the night at a friend�s house rather than stay home and argue with him about their breakup. He made some vague threats about killing himself and when she said �I�ll see you in the morning� he replied �You might see me, but I won�t see you.� Shelly said he probably thought his threats would make her come home right away, but she wasn�t about to give in to that kind of manipulation. He probably meant to just scare her by having a rope around his neck when she walked in the bedroom.

Shelly stayed at her friend�s house all day, and came home at 4:00 in the afternoon. Meanwhile, Andrew finished his bottle of liquor and passed out. The rope tightened. The police said it was quick and painless. Shelly told my mom that she kissed him and hugged him as soon as she saw him, but he was icy cold.

It was good to know. Since I�m imagining his death in my head every night when I go to bed, I at least want to know that I have the correct scenario. I don�t know if I believe this �accidental� shit, and I don�t know if that makes it better or worse.

What a shitty thing to do, to Shelly and to all of us, even if he only meant it as a stupid, drunken scare. My brother was a sweet guy and he had a lot of good in him. He was generous and loyal and made sure he always told people when he cared about them. I�m a little angry that the last thing he did in his life was something so fucked up and wrong.