The first time I ever got pregnant was in July 2003. On the long drive home from my brother�s funeral I got to thinking about how long it had been since I had a period, so as soon as I was back in Orlando I peed on a stick, which confirmed my worst suspicions. The next day my doctor confirmed the bad news.

For a while I couldn�t even think about it. When the shock of Andrew�s death wore off a little more I began to grapple with the big decision. Keeping the baby was inconceivable to me (no pun intended). I was in a terrible place in my life, barely able to support myself financially or mentally. I wasn�t sure who the father was, but neither of the contenders were men I wanted in my life. I started researching abortion alternatives, medical versus surgical, and found out that the abortion pill was more expensive and time-consuming than a D&C.

My ex-boyfriend, Big D, was still living with me, though I had ended our four year relationship in May. Unemployed, he had nowhere else to go, and for once I was glad of his presence. He did the necessary comforting when I was overwhelmed with grief or panicking with indecision. Big D called me at work one day to say that he had made an appointment for me to have a surgical abortion the following Friday. I hadn�t made up my mind, but I didn�t cancel the appointment.

Wednesday night a miscarriage solved the problem for me. I felt nothing but relief, and was grateful for every cramp, no matter how painful.

Big D continued to live with me, draining my finance and begging for sex, until I kicked him out at the end of that year. I needed him out of the way so that I could start seeing Casey.

Casey and I worked at the same engineering firm, though we didn�t have much contact with each other there. I was on the second floor with the marketing department, while he was an engineer glued to his desk on the third floor. He is really tall, with broad shoulders, and when he joined our firm after graduation his ponytail was long enough to sit on. At first I was like �Ooh, hot long-haired guy � but when we were introduced his attitude pissed me off. I dismissed him as an uptight nerd and didn�t bother to remember his name for two years. He says I was rude to him in the halls, but I don�t remember. Honestly, I was surprised to find that he still worked there a couple of years later, when we began to hang out with the same group after hours.

I got really drunk one night, when another coworker introduced me to a drink called a Baltimore Zoo, and before leaving with my designated driver I kissed every boy there. I even kissed Casey when I encountered him in the street as he returned from driving a friend home. I leaned in his car window, our lips met for two electric seconds, and I haven�t been the same since that moment.

It was never love with us. It was lust, and eventually obsession. The sex was hot, we never ran out of things to talk about, and we had a good time whenever we were together. He let me know pretty quickly that he had no feelings for me, our relationship was not going anywhere, and he was sleeping with other girls. For some reason, that only made me want him more. We kept fucking and spending way too much time together.

By the end of March I had had quite enough of sharing him with other women, and at the risk of losing me he agreed to be faithful. Things were pretty good for a while. He was practically living at my house, we had a lot of fun in and out of bed, I got to know his friends and he spent time with mine. On the 4th of July we threw a party together. People started assuming I was Casey�s girlfriend, but he and I knew better. He made sure I always knew exactly how much I didn�t mean to him.

I had a UTI in June, and warned Casey that we had to be careful because the antibiotics would render my birth-control pills useless. We were sort of careful, at first, but we were drunk most nights. I missed a period in the middle of July, peed on a stick and once again confronted the scary pink lines. My doctor confirmed that I was breeding and referred me to an OB/Gyn.

I have to admit, I was excited about this pregnancy from the beginning. I couldn�t help it. I thought to myself �Casey will leave me some day, when he meets someone better, but I can still love his child.� I was so into him that I couldn�t even stand the thought of aborting our baby. I have never particularly enjoyed spending time with little kids, and had planned to never have one of my own, but I wanted this baby.

Naturally, I had to tell Casey about it, but it was hard to find the courage. His car was in the shop that week, so I was chauffeuring him around. I picked him up from work and decided that I would tell him when we went out to dinner. All during the meal, which I couldn�t eat, I kept trying to psyche myself up to say it. �Okay, now, say it now. Wait, he�s talking. Alright, here�s the perfect time. Now. Just blurt it out. Hang on. Take a deep breath. Now? Yes! Okay, I�m going to say it right... now... or maybe I�ll give him a chance to digest his meal first..� I didn�t hear a word he said over the buzz in my head, and I didn�t work up the courage to speak until we left the restaurant. I pulled the car up in front of his place and when he touched the door handle I stopped him by saying his name.

�Casey.�

He looked at me, frowning at the strained tone of my voice.

�I�m pregnant.�

He exhaled, followed by silence, and I darted a quick glance at him. We both stared at the windshield for a while.

�No one�s ever said that to me before.�

We shared a few nervous jokes, something about proof that he�s not shooting blanks. Shaky laughter as we got out of the car. Inside the house, he gathered his overnight bag and some clothes, then we sat on the front porch while he quietly smoked.

�Look, I don�t want you to worry about this.� I said. �Since I�m the one who gets to decide whether the baby lives or dies, it�s only fair that you get to decide whether you want to be a father or not. It�s up to you whether you want visitation rights, and I�m not going to sue you for child support.�

He didn't answer, but said "I'm kind of getting the vibe that you're excited about it." I didn't answer. We put our sunglasses on then so our eyes couldn't speak to one another.